I went through the motions of making dinner, washing dishes, showering and returning to the couch to enjoy some video games to wind down my evening.
But I couldn’t shake a growing feeling of numbness, of general “being upset”, of nothing.
I’d dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 16, but what was it doing here and now? It didn’t make any sense, I thought. I had a stable job, I had a roof over my head, I had enough to eat.
The numbness gave way to frustration; why would these things rear their heads from whatever ugly hole I’d kicked them into now?
My experience with depression and anxiety had always showed up when I’d taken a break from whatever whirlwind I’d been working on, whether it was school or work or sports.
It always seemed to wait patiently in line until I’d just sat down to get stuck into me, before the barrage of feelings would hit and I’d be left watching the world from the couch with a strange feeling of numbness and anxiety.
I’d stay there until some herculean effort hauled me out or necessity bade me do it.
It wasn’t an entirely bad experience doing time on the couch, or the cushion prison, staring into space and exploring my own numbed anxiety-filled thoughts.
But once I got off the couch, it was back to it and out into the world, out to work or catching up with friends or for a walk around the block. It feels good to do that.
But I knew at the back of my mind, the cushion prison would always be at my back, ready for me to fall into it, to support as needed until I could go again.
I started off hating the fall back, the sinking into those feelings again. I thought I just had to be stronger than my thoughts, I just had to force my way out of them. Now, I know it’s a natural place I might retreat to, but I can also still move forward from it.
It gets easier and easier to get out of it now with practice, but I know it’s still there.
Just like the thoughts might still be there, but they need not occupy space in my conscious thoughts every day and interrupt the very real, very alive life I lead.
However, no matter how far you might go, what you might get up to, the two will still be there; you just have to accept them, use them as springboards or fallbacks until you get where you want to go.
If you’re feeling anxious or depressed, or just need to chat it over with someone. Help is out there, even if you feel like it isn’t. You are not alone.
Call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au
Reach BeyondBlue via www.beyondblue.org.au or 1300 224 636 or KidsHelpline via www.kidshelpline.com.au or 1800 55 1800.
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